Feeling lost?
I thought I had my life all figured out, but it ended up looking completely different than how I expected.
Keep reading to learn how I figured out what to do when I didn’t know what I was doing.
Anxiety used to have a tight grip on my life. Everywhere I went, there would be a dark cloud of negativity and insecurity that would follow behind me. I had a hard time feeling confident in myself or any decision I would make, and I certainly was too unsure to ever be able to step out of my (very small) comfort zone. I was living in a constant state of fear and self-doubt, truly believing that I needed to be perfect at everything.
Once you know what it feels like to be living your life overanalyzing every miniscule detail, it’s incredibly difficult to switch gears. I kept telling myself that I was just “very careful and intentional” with everything I did, and that it couldn’t be a bad thing. Sure – in writing, that is certainly not a bad thing to prioritize; However, that mentality took over my life with force. Instead of taking time to go through normal routines and interactions, my mind would feel paralyzed under the weight of anxiousness. I’d constantly be rethinking and going back over things a thousand times, even days and weeks after they had happened. I’d find myself trapped in a cycle of feeling overwhelmed over conversations that would never happen, or over decisions that were so far down the road that shouldn’t have even been on my radar.
growing up a musician
I grew up in orchestra, which engrained a strong desire for perfection that saturated me down to my core. I had wanted to have a career in music since I had started playing my instrument back in 2011, so I chose to go to college to major in Music Education. Although I had really wanted to play my instrument professionally and to make a living off of it, I decided that becoming an educator would be more realistic for me. Secretly, I was still hopeful that one day I would win an audition in a major orchestra anyway.
Performing always gave me such an adrenaline rush, and playing in an ensemble always felt like something I was born to do – my instrument truly felt like an extension of my body and a way for my soul to speak. For years, I spent most of my waking hours thinking about playing. I made every effort to get involved in as many ensembles as I could, in order to get as much experience as possible for my resume. I loved playing horn, but in actuality, I despised sitting down to practice and work on my technique. Even though I wanted the grandeur of being a professional musician, I was too scared to reveal my weaknesses in the practice room. I wasn’t willing to put in the work.
Despite the put-together and overly confident person I was trying so hard to portray, I was absolutely terrified on the inside. I felt like a fraud. I dedicated myself to this inaccurate façade of having everything figured out. Relying on pure luck and stamina in rehearsals could only get me so far. I certainly was not as successful or refined as I had acted. I can admit – I definitely did not practice as much as I should have because it would have revealed the raw, unpolished version of myself that I was too afraid to face. Despite that, I had still latched my identity onto my achievements, but I was truly ashamed of the person I had become.
change of plans
Eventually, I got burnt out. I had temporarily switched my major, but eventually found a full-time job in an office that took the place of my schooling entirely. Even though I was so far removed from music school, I still struggled with feeling like a phony. The negative self-narration followed me around constantly. I felt like a failure.
I would look in the mirror and see what could have been, and actively chose not to focus on the present. After spending almost ten years of my life pushing to achieve my goal of being a professional musician – why couldn’t I have just pushed a little harder? My former colleagues were starting to graduate and win auditions like I had once been striving for. I had spent so many years latching both my identity and self-worth to my ability to play my instrument. Without the gratification I’d feel from performing, I felt empty and defeated.
At my lowest point, I would have done just about anything to distract myself from my reality. I was going through the motions so much that, to this day, it’s difficult for me to recall many specific memories. I do remember spending a lot of time questioning God. Why is this happening? What has my life turned into? I felt like I wasn’t getting any answers, and I felt like God wasn’t really listening.
why were things this way?
Despite me feeling like I wasn’t hearing anything, I continued asking Him those big questions. I didn’t feel like the friends around me would understand what I felt, so I turned to venting my frustrations to God. I kept asking Him the same questions day after day without feeling like I heard anything in response. Suddenly, though – there was finally a day that everything felt a little lighter.
I had gotten the feeling that I needed to be patient and wait. I wasn’t sure what exactly I was waiting for, but there was finally a small light at the end of the dark tunnel I had been in. Looking around at my life, despite it not looking like anything I could have ever expected, I realized I had so many blessings around me. I was safe, healthy, and surrounded by friends who truly appreciated me. Life actually wasn’t seeming so bad.
I didn’t know what plans God had in store for me, but I was finally learning to be okay with not knowing. I started enjoying the unexpected surprises that each day would bring. Sure, I wasn’t heading in the direction I once thought I was going, but that didn’t mean that my future couldn’t be fulfilling anyway.
“We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.”
2 Corinthians 4:8-10
I still wrestled with the questions of why things had to turn out the way they did. I struggled with always seeing my decision in a positive light. But even amidst the pain and mourning of who I once dreamed to be, I was finally choosing to see the reminders of the good that was yet to come.
there is hope in the waiting
The encouragement that is found in these verses is a wonderful reminder of the strength that can be found in hope. You may be dealing with affliction, but you are certainly not crushed; You may be confused about why things had to turn out the way they did, but you don’t have to be driven to despair; You may be persecuted because of a belief you have or a decision you’ve made, but you will never be forsaken; You may have been struck down and pushed aside, but you have definitely not been destroyed.
Choosing to fix my eyes upon the Lord during those trying times had given me the hope and peace to move forward without hesitation. It didn’t change the details of my circumstances, but it made the dark cloud start to go away. Instead of focusing on what once could have come to fruition, I could finally look forward with joy knowing that God has something in store for me that would be infinitely more fulfilling. I just needed to be more open minded.
“For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.”
2 Corinthians 4:6-7
“But now, O Lord, you are our Father;
we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand.”
Isaiah 64:8
we are unformed vessels
Our lives are like jars of clay that are waiting to be formed – a constant work in progress. How our days look in this moment will be drastically different than how they’ll look a few years from now. God is the potter, and He is continuously molding us and our lives into what it’ll eventually become. We may resemble the shape of the untouched clay now, but soon enough we will begin to see His end result. It will be something far more beautiful than we could ever imagine.
Light will always shine out of the darkness. Sometimes we just need to be patient and, in my case, a little more open to possibilities. God has a beautifully designed vessel planned for us that He will be making out of our lives. We may not know what we’re doing in this moment, but God is in control and He already has everything figured out.
no longer bound by anxiety
There are certainly still days that I miss playing my instrument as often as I once did. I don’t think my love for orchestra will ever go away. I certainly do not want it to. Instead, I am now more content with being able to play as a hobby while still being able to pursue other things I am passionate about. In the moment, I couldn’t imagine a life that wasn’t engulfed in an endless schedule of rehearsals and performances. Looking back, though, I now realize how much stress and pressure I had put on myself that ended up making me dread the art I loved so dearly.
Once I had some time away from that environment, I learned how to enjoy playing horn again and could finally appreciate it in a new light. The memories I have from that time in my life will always be held closely to my heart. I am overjoyed when I see my friends achieve their dreams, and I am so grateful that I once got to work alongside such successful musicians.
Choosing to trust God’s plan for my life was the best decision I could have made. I no longer am anxious about the future, and am instead enjoying each and every day as they come. I’ve noticed that as I try to be more intentional with listening to where God is leading me, He gives me a peace that truly does surpass all understanding.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for having everything figured out. I can rest knowing that I don’t have to know what I’m doing. Thank you for guiding me on this journey. Help me grow to be more at peace with what all has occurred in my life, and to see the reasoning behind it all. Please give me discernment with the decisions I face each day. Thank you for having a plan so I don’t have to.
I love you, Lord.
amen
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